Caught In Between.

Staring out the window.
I silently watch the world below.

I see the darkened window pane,
Reminding me of your hidden pain.

The clouds are gray, the rain patters,
You keep it all inside, hoping nothing shatters.

Above it all stands high the tower,
Eyes on the prize, you strive for power.

Tiny squares with yellow lines, numbered in a row,
Clean, tidy, without interruption you want life to go.

Spinning, searching for signal is the satellite,
Head thrown back, hands lifted high, you reach for the Light.

Bring Reason

here come the holidays
with empty pockets
and long forgotten raises
sorrowful eyes
wait for their surprise
and laughter
that make memories
with loved ones
as we remember
the lost ones
who loved us
and taught us
that memories
live on
far after we’re gone
beyond the lights
that shine
bright get shut off
for the day
while the lessons
live on
that joy can be found
and happiness given
in the lives we
are living
with hearts full
and praises ringing
bring reasons
for thanksgiving

the Aftermath

Emotionless

Weightless

My heart

Can’t take

This

Empty and dry

I’m left hanging

From this

High.

Sincere lack

Of devotion

Erases my

Emotion, to start

This commotion

That threatens

To be

Trending

Unending

Say what you

Might, while

You hide

Your eyes

From the light

The anger

Is dished

And debated

Only you

Can validate it

Open eyes

Swallow

Lies

Hear my cries

And find

The truth,

Don’t misconstrue

The truth I

Am telling you,

The fear

Is always

near.

Don't leave

me hanging

here.

"Life University"...

“Life University:

Proud 4 year graduate, and back for my Masters”

          For so many years after graduating high school I have felt a weight on my shoulders whenever I get asked if I’m in school, or what my major is, or, upon finding out I am in fact not in school, ask why not, or a strange look comes across their face as they question why I am not participating in the ever traditional college education. My mind often goes blank and words fail to travel from my brain to my tongue as I struggle to figure out how to explain myself to these people, people who thought they were asking a question that would at most have a 5 word response. I have not figured out a way to summarize that at 18 I didn’t have my life in order enough to go to college, that all I wanted to do was play basketball in college, I never thought hard enough about the academics, that I didn’t have a plan B ready when basketball fell through.

            I realized that maybe I can’t answer these questions for people, because I can’t answer them for myself either, that I don’t really know why I didn’t follow through with getting to college. I don’t have an answer good enough to satisfy others, because I have no answer good enough to satisfy myself. I’m left feeling defensive in an attempt to answer people’s questions because I want them to know it is not because I am not smart, not because I am not driven, or talented. I want them to know that I actually love school; I love learning, and research and writing and history.

            What I have always tried to hide from my inquirers during these countless and seemingly endless conversations, is my past. That while my friends from high school were off learning and making new friends, I was stuck living at home. Then not at home. Then back at home. I was out partying, and playing, and working and spending, never saving, never learning, never stopping. Just wallowing, wallowing in my pity that my life was going nowhere and it was outwardly apparent to all who cared to look. “What do I want to do with my life?” seemed to be the million dollar question I could never find the answer to, though more often than not it sounded more like, “WHAT do I want to DO with my LIFE?!?!”, followed by a troublesome sigh. I could go on for pages describing the agony which I was in over this topic, how I tried to ignore it, or bury it, how at times I was fine really with whatever I was doing, or so I convinced myself.

            But let’s get to the good part of this shall we? In the last year I have convinced myself that the things of my past all happened for a reason. They have made me who I am, taught me valuable life lessons, lessons which I can and do fully intend to share with others in an effort to keep them from the harm and pain I suffered. I believe that God brought me through every circumstance I ever suffered for a very specific reason; I just didn’t know what the reason was. I was at peace with everything in my life, but still couldn’t see the light. I was still secretly bitter that I wasn’t preparing to graduate college this coming spring, still upset that I missed out on 4 more years of school, still struggled deeply while having conversations with friends about school and classes and grades and professors. Still got jealous and upset, upset that I had the knowledge to help my friends with their homework while I’ve never taken my own college class. I still felt lost on this part. Till tonight when I stumbled across my own epiphany. While trying to encourage my friend struggling with her own feelings of wondering how she got to where she is, and where she’s headed next, I realized that you go to college, for what? To learn. To grow. To obtain the tools necessary for the next stage of life. Well that is what I have done, I have been taught, I have grown, I have obtained the tools necessary for the next stage of my life. In a highly untraditional format perhaps, but this is what I have done nonetheless. 

            With God as my professor, the world as my classroom, my brothers and sisters in Christ as my classmates, I am set to graduate a semester early, with plans for the next stage of life and map of a career in my head, I begin to work towards my Masters, hone in my skills, if you will, for what God has prepared for me. Maybe I don’t have a diploma to frame with a major university’s name scrolled across the top and my name in the middle, but I have Christ in my life and the lessons he has taught me. No longer have I convinced myself God knew better, I believe, I know, I can feel in my heart, I can see the big picture, I can see the road ahead for where God wants me to go. I have graduated from “Life University” and cannot wait to crack open the first book on the road towards completing my Masters. 

Reaching Out

                 How often do you find yourself sitting in a room full of people, maybe at church, or youth group, or fellowship with other believers, consumed in your thoughts?  Thoughts about where you’re headed next, thoughts about work tomorrow, and the laundry to be done when you get home; your thoughts about your failures that certainly no one else struggles with, your shortcomings in life.  Thoughts about the things that make you inadequate compared to the person sitting to your right or your left.  Have you ever stopped in the midst of this to think about the very thoughts or struggles of that person sitting next to you?  No?  Let me ask to challenge you, to beg you, to think on some things.  To chew on some words that God has laid on my heart.

                Maybe sitting right next to you is someone you barely know, or a friend of years, have you every stopped to wonder what they’re thinking?  Perhaps stuck in their own feelings of inadequacy.  Maybe they’re screaming on the inside for someone to reach out.  They need someone to put their own inhibitions aside and reach out to them; ask the tough questions.  Not just, “hey how are things going?”  But questions like, “what are you struggling with? What’s going on in your heart?”  Don’t stop there.  “Well they just like to keep to themselves; I don’t wanna push their comfort level with me.”  This is your friend, your loved one you’re talking about.  You are there to do that exact thing, to push their comfort level, to challenge them in their endeavors, their struggles, their relationships, and their life as a whole.  It’s high time we as friends, we as Christians, start asking the difficult questions.  Why?  Because they’re worth it.  Because your friend, your loved one needs you to do this for them.

                Looking through passages in the bible and Christ’s life on this earth as a whole, he was here not just to spread the message, not just to be the Savior we all need and crave, but to challenge those around him, He challenged his disciples, the people closest to him, to not settle for merely believing, but doing.  Doing those things that ask you to step out on faith alone; asking those questions that make you squirm in your seat.  For the betterment of the person you love so dearly.  It may even be painful to ask the questions, to feel the awkward silence, to look into their eyes while their brain scrambles for the truth, while they debate whether you can handle the truth, while they question how much of themselves they want to expose. 

                It’s not going to be comfortable.  It’s not going to be easy.  These are the things which Christ has called us to do, to stand next to your brother or sister in Him and push them, encourage them, catch them when they fall, point them back to Him.  You may end quite shocked that you have the same struggles, the same shortcomings and failures, the same inadequacies, but fear not, you have the same Father.   The Father, who sees all, knows all, loves all, and forgives all.  You do not have to stay stuck in these same fears and sins with your friend.  You can both overcome.  He is there, waiting for your prayers, your hearts, your hands lifted in praise.

  My friends, this is something worth doing, something your loved one will soon thank you for.  Something Christ will rejoice over. 

                

-Relationships-

    

            Do you ever examine your close relationships? In depth. Study the feelings… the thoughts…

put words to the glances

that are silent but speak

the unspoken feelings.

            Relationships, they grow, they evolve, change, adapt. They give, give until it hurts. They love. They love the other person through the ups and downs, because they know what is really inside the other person.

            Have you ever realized that there is nearly always give and take in loving relationships? You give of yourself - time, energy, thought, love, until you are running out of resources, but you squeeze a little more, cuz you never run out of love.

            But, there is always a ‘but’, sometimes those unspoken thoughts are filled with fear, insecurity, questions, worries… What if, you start giving what you wish you were receiving? You don’t know how to ask, you can’t put your wants to words. You are afraid. Why voice these things and reveal yourself? What if the other person distances themselves?

Your ultimate fear.

            Once words are spoken, they are never erasable. Feelings once felt are hardly forgotten.