"Life University"...

“Life University:

Proud 4 year graduate, and back for my Masters”

          For so many years after graduating high school I have felt a weight on my shoulders whenever I get asked if I’m in school, or what my major is, or, upon finding out I am in fact not in school, ask why not, or a strange look comes across their face as they question why I am not participating in the ever traditional college education. My mind often goes blank and words fail to travel from my brain to my tongue as I struggle to figure out how to explain myself to these people, people who thought they were asking a question that would at most have a 5 word response. I have not figured out a way to summarize that at 18 I didn’t have my life in order enough to go to college, that all I wanted to do was play basketball in college, I never thought hard enough about the academics, that I didn’t have a plan B ready when basketball fell through.

            I realized that maybe I can’t answer these questions for people, because I can’t answer them for myself either, that I don’t really know why I didn’t follow through with getting to college. I don’t have an answer good enough to satisfy others, because I have no answer good enough to satisfy myself. I’m left feeling defensive in an attempt to answer people’s questions because I want them to know it is not because I am not smart, not because I am not driven, or talented. I want them to know that I actually love school; I love learning, and research and writing and history.

            What I have always tried to hide from my inquirers during these countless and seemingly endless conversations, is my past. That while my friends from high school were off learning and making new friends, I was stuck living at home. Then not at home. Then back at home. I was out partying, and playing, and working and spending, never saving, never learning, never stopping. Just wallowing, wallowing in my pity that my life was going nowhere and it was outwardly apparent to all who cared to look. “What do I want to do with my life?” seemed to be the million dollar question I could never find the answer to, though more often than not it sounded more like, “WHAT do I want to DO with my LIFE?!?!”, followed by a troublesome sigh. I could go on for pages describing the agony which I was in over this topic, how I tried to ignore it, or bury it, how at times I was fine really with whatever I was doing, or so I convinced myself.

            But let’s get to the good part of this shall we? In the last year I have convinced myself that the things of my past all happened for a reason. They have made me who I am, taught me valuable life lessons, lessons which I can and do fully intend to share with others in an effort to keep them from the harm and pain I suffered. I believe that God brought me through every circumstance I ever suffered for a very specific reason; I just didn’t know what the reason was. I was at peace with everything in my life, but still couldn’t see the light. I was still secretly bitter that I wasn’t preparing to graduate college this coming spring, still upset that I missed out on 4 more years of school, still struggled deeply while having conversations with friends about school and classes and grades and professors. Still got jealous and upset, upset that I had the knowledge to help my friends with their homework while I’ve never taken my own college class. I still felt lost on this part. Till tonight when I stumbled across my own epiphany. While trying to encourage my friend struggling with her own feelings of wondering how she got to where she is, and where she’s headed next, I realized that you go to college, for what? To learn. To grow. To obtain the tools necessary for the next stage of life. Well that is what I have done, I have been taught, I have grown, I have obtained the tools necessary for the next stage of my life. In a highly untraditional format perhaps, but this is what I have done nonetheless. 

            With God as my professor, the world as my classroom, my brothers and sisters in Christ as my classmates, I am set to graduate a semester early, with plans for the next stage of life and map of a career in my head, I begin to work towards my Masters, hone in my skills, if you will, for what God has prepared for me. Maybe I don’t have a diploma to frame with a major university’s name scrolled across the top and my name in the middle, but I have Christ in my life and the lessons he has taught me. No longer have I convinced myself God knew better, I believe, I know, I can feel in my heart, I can see the big picture, I can see the road ahead for where God wants me to go. I have graduated from “Life University” and cannot wait to crack open the first book on the road towards completing my Masters.