(p)12

Forward we march, winding through

these paths. Not knowing what's ahead.

Nature sings its song to me. Chatter

of the birds while sun shines and mountain air fills my head.

The path ends but we climb a little more,

breathtaking beauty right around the bend.

White clouds hover above the peaks. As far

as the eye can see, Your beauty doesn't end.

March through life on the beaten path

we climb; searching for the top. Trusting

that You know the end. Fight the fight;

for one day it'll be life everlasting.

Transformation Explanation.

Eyes meet 

the stare.

Taking in

the vision that's

there.

Inkling of

this transformation

barely yet

begun

serving as

a visible

passion

for the

One

who's brought

me here.

Questions

flow to and fro

while judgments

grow.

There's a vast

crowd out there

I aim to

reach;

life changing

message

I long to

teach.

I want

them to

know

I've been

where they

are.

I let my

scars

show.

I know their

pain,

I've seen

misery reign,

watched days

grow dark.

But I found

the Light

that changed

my life. Tattoo

His words

on my heart,

wear my

heart

on my sleeve

that others

may see and

believe.

Out there

this may seem

to be. But

I'm just

trying

to keep from

lying

down; resist

to conform.

I'll be

me

for Him

extra

ordinarily,

radically,

just as He

once was

when He

walked this

earth, even

from the moment

of His birth.

So me

for

Him

I'll be.

Extra loud

to drown

out the

worldly

crowd.

Paste

Time's all
gone
left with
peddlesome
memories she
can only
wish to
have erased.
Days all
collide
as her
misguided
efforts all go
to waste.
"Sorry"s pour
our from face
to face
as she runs
around
trying to
make
haste
towards
a long lost
satisfaction
she can no
longer
taste.
The farther
she runs
the more
broken
she becomes.
She picks up
her broken
pieces
as the memories
are faced,
she puts
herself back
together and
makes the
pieces
stick
with the 
strongest
paste.

(p)8

Foot crunches
snow as
white
as the love
your heart
used
to know.

Street light

pierces

the night,

directs the

wanderer

where to

go.

Smoothest skin

grabs

my hand,

blemishes

disappear like

footprints

in the sand.

Your love

always

waits to

catch me,

even

before

i fall.

"I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me."

John 14:6

The light waits, begs,
to be turned on.
The handle waits, wonders,
how long will you be gone.
the oceans depths remain
dark, forbidden, unseen.
No desperate measure, bold
action, will wipe my slate clean.
Eyes still meet, mind insists
to wonder, till brain reasons.
Please refrain to stare at me,
lest my heart wonder all of life's seasons.

Caught In Between.

Staring out the window.
I silently watch the world below.

I see the darkened window pane,
Reminding me of your hidden pain.

The clouds are gray, the rain patters,
You keep it all inside, hoping nothing shatters.

Above it all stands high the tower,
Eyes on the prize, you strive for power.

Tiny squares with yellow lines, numbered in a row,
Clean, tidy, without interruption you want life to go.

Spinning, searching for signal is the satellite,
Head thrown back, hands lifted high, you reach for the Light.

Bring Reason

here come the holidays
with empty pockets
and long forgotten raises
sorrowful eyes
wait for their surprise
and laughter
that make memories
with loved ones
as we remember
the lost ones
who loved us
and taught us
that memories
live on
far after we’re gone
beyond the lights
that shine
bright get shut off
for the day
while the lessons
live on
that joy can be found
and happiness given
in the lives we
are living
with hearts full
and praises ringing
bring reasons
for thanksgiving

the Aftermath

Emotionless

Weightless

My heart

Can’t take

This

Empty and dry

I’m left hanging

From this

High.

Sincere lack

Of devotion

Erases my

Emotion, to start

This commotion

That threatens

To be

Trending

Unending

Say what you

Might, while

You hide

Your eyes

From the light

The anger

Is dished

And debated

Only you

Can validate it

Open eyes

Swallow

Lies

Hear my cries

And find

The truth,

Don’t misconstrue

The truth I

Am telling you,

The fear

Is always

near.

Don't leave

me hanging

here.

"Life University"...

“Life University:

Proud 4 year graduate, and back for my Masters”

          For so many years after graduating high school I have felt a weight on my shoulders whenever I get asked if I’m in school, or what my major is, or, upon finding out I am in fact not in school, ask why not, or a strange look comes across their face as they question why I am not participating in the ever traditional college education. My mind often goes blank and words fail to travel from my brain to my tongue as I struggle to figure out how to explain myself to these people, people who thought they were asking a question that would at most have a 5 word response. I have not figured out a way to summarize that at 18 I didn’t have my life in order enough to go to college, that all I wanted to do was play basketball in college, I never thought hard enough about the academics, that I didn’t have a plan B ready when basketball fell through.

            I realized that maybe I can’t answer these questions for people, because I can’t answer them for myself either, that I don’t really know why I didn’t follow through with getting to college. I don’t have an answer good enough to satisfy others, because I have no answer good enough to satisfy myself. I’m left feeling defensive in an attempt to answer people’s questions because I want them to know it is not because I am not smart, not because I am not driven, or talented. I want them to know that I actually love school; I love learning, and research and writing and history.

            What I have always tried to hide from my inquirers during these countless and seemingly endless conversations, is my past. That while my friends from high school were off learning and making new friends, I was stuck living at home. Then not at home. Then back at home. I was out partying, and playing, and working and spending, never saving, never learning, never stopping. Just wallowing, wallowing in my pity that my life was going nowhere and it was outwardly apparent to all who cared to look. “What do I want to do with my life?” seemed to be the million dollar question I could never find the answer to, though more often than not it sounded more like, “WHAT do I want to DO with my LIFE?!?!”, followed by a troublesome sigh. I could go on for pages describing the agony which I was in over this topic, how I tried to ignore it, or bury it, how at times I was fine really with whatever I was doing, or so I convinced myself.

            But let’s get to the good part of this shall we? In the last year I have convinced myself that the things of my past all happened for a reason. They have made me who I am, taught me valuable life lessons, lessons which I can and do fully intend to share with others in an effort to keep them from the harm and pain I suffered. I believe that God brought me through every circumstance I ever suffered for a very specific reason; I just didn’t know what the reason was. I was at peace with everything in my life, but still couldn’t see the light. I was still secretly bitter that I wasn’t preparing to graduate college this coming spring, still upset that I missed out on 4 more years of school, still struggled deeply while having conversations with friends about school and classes and grades and professors. Still got jealous and upset, upset that I had the knowledge to help my friends with their homework while I’ve never taken my own college class. I still felt lost on this part. Till tonight when I stumbled across my own epiphany. While trying to encourage my friend struggling with her own feelings of wondering how she got to where she is, and where she’s headed next, I realized that you go to college, for what? To learn. To grow. To obtain the tools necessary for the next stage of life. Well that is what I have done, I have been taught, I have grown, I have obtained the tools necessary for the next stage of my life. In a highly untraditional format perhaps, but this is what I have done nonetheless. 

            With God as my professor, the world as my classroom, my brothers and sisters in Christ as my classmates, I am set to graduate a semester early, with plans for the next stage of life and map of a career in my head, I begin to work towards my Masters, hone in my skills, if you will, for what God has prepared for me. Maybe I don’t have a diploma to frame with a major university’s name scrolled across the top and my name in the middle, but I have Christ in my life and the lessons he has taught me. No longer have I convinced myself God knew better, I believe, I know, I can feel in my heart, I can see the big picture, I can see the road ahead for where God wants me to go. I have graduated from “Life University” and cannot wait to crack open the first book on the road towards completing my Masters. 

Reaching Out

                 How often do you find yourself sitting in a room full of people, maybe at church, or youth group, or fellowship with other believers, consumed in your thoughts?  Thoughts about where you’re headed next, thoughts about work tomorrow, and the laundry to be done when you get home; your thoughts about your failures that certainly no one else struggles with, your shortcomings in life.  Thoughts about the things that make you inadequate compared to the person sitting to your right or your left.  Have you ever stopped in the midst of this to think about the very thoughts or struggles of that person sitting next to you?  No?  Let me ask to challenge you, to beg you, to think on some things.  To chew on some words that God has laid on my heart.

                Maybe sitting right next to you is someone you barely know, or a friend of years, have you every stopped to wonder what they’re thinking?  Perhaps stuck in their own feelings of inadequacy.  Maybe they’re screaming on the inside for someone to reach out.  They need someone to put their own inhibitions aside and reach out to them; ask the tough questions.  Not just, “hey how are things going?”  But questions like, “what are you struggling with? What’s going on in your heart?”  Don’t stop there.  “Well they just like to keep to themselves; I don’t wanna push their comfort level with me.”  This is your friend, your loved one you’re talking about.  You are there to do that exact thing, to push their comfort level, to challenge them in their endeavors, their struggles, their relationships, and their life as a whole.  It’s high time we as friends, we as Christians, start asking the difficult questions.  Why?  Because they’re worth it.  Because your friend, your loved one needs you to do this for them.

                Looking through passages in the bible and Christ’s life on this earth as a whole, he was here not just to spread the message, not just to be the Savior we all need and crave, but to challenge those around him, He challenged his disciples, the people closest to him, to not settle for merely believing, but doing.  Doing those things that ask you to step out on faith alone; asking those questions that make you squirm in your seat.  For the betterment of the person you love so dearly.  It may even be painful to ask the questions, to feel the awkward silence, to look into their eyes while their brain scrambles for the truth, while they debate whether you can handle the truth, while they question how much of themselves they want to expose. 

                It’s not going to be comfortable.  It’s not going to be easy.  These are the things which Christ has called us to do, to stand next to your brother or sister in Him and push them, encourage them, catch them when they fall, point them back to Him.  You may end quite shocked that you have the same struggles, the same shortcomings and failures, the same inadequacies, but fear not, you have the same Father.   The Father, who sees all, knows all, loves all, and forgives all.  You do not have to stay stuck in these same fears and sins with your friend.  You can both overcome.  He is there, waiting for your prayers, your hearts, your hands lifted in praise.

  My friends, this is something worth doing, something your loved one will soon thank you for.  Something Christ will rejoice over. 

                

-Relationships-

    

            Do you ever examine your close relationships? In depth. Study the feelings… the thoughts…

put words to the glances

that are silent but speak

the unspoken feelings.

            Relationships, they grow, they evolve, change, adapt. They give, give until it hurts. They love. They love the other person through the ups and downs, because they know what is really inside the other person.

            Have you ever realized that there is nearly always give and take in loving relationships? You give of yourself - time, energy, thought, love, until you are running out of resources, but you squeeze a little more, cuz you never run out of love.

            But, there is always a ‘but’, sometimes those unspoken thoughts are filled with fear, insecurity, questions, worries… What if, you start giving what you wish you were receiving? You don’t know how to ask, you can’t put your wants to words. You are afraid. Why voice these things and reveal yourself? What if the other person distances themselves?

Your ultimate fear.

            Once words are spoken, they are never erasable. Feelings once felt are hardly forgotten.

Counting Stairs

The building
it towers
shadows
it showers
while the
sun beats down
as you
run around
pulling and
tugging while
locks keep
denying
misery persuades
you just
keep trying
till one finally
gives, in you
run. the stairs
you find and
begin to climb
till you reach
your first
landing, the force
knocks you down
fills you with
misunderstanding.
you crawl till
you can run
to the stairs
once again
long way up
you must begin.
hand grips
the rail
as your feet
start to fail,
landing two
and this thing
that was a
game has
got a hold
of you.
the stillness
hits as your
breaths are quick.
white walls
and long halls
as you creep
to your stairs
and walk to
three, just
one small
room. thick
with doom
as mirrors
on all sides
scream lies
in your ears
and steady
build your
fears. the
tears stream
as you run
and scream
hit the steps
with panic and
run to four
beholds a black
door and a
tiny gold
peep hole
you try to
peek but its
just out of
reach. solemn
and slow, your
feet meet
the stairs as
you begin again
with far fewer
cares.
up you go, round
and round, wishing
there was some way
down. five you
finally reach, walk
right through
there they are
but they can't
here you. your
name at first
a whisper here
or there. the
longer you stay
the more they
say.
so many words
you've just heard
they cut
they burn
but your
lesson remains
unlearned.
you search for
six but
its lost
in the mix.
on you wind,
up these stairs
swirling thoughts
and no one cares.

Hey you...

Hey you,
                                                  over there,
with your
pretty hair
and
soft lips
and your
smooth skin
let me see
your eyes
where your
secrets lie
and your
feelings hide
but your
thoughts scream
and your heart
fails to
dream.

Hey you,
                                                  over there,
let go
and start
to fall
don't fear
you'll lose
it all.
others demands
run your
life
just take
My hand
I'll end
the strife
give me
your life
I'll give you
my Love.

Back to You

Don't know what
to do
or where to
turn,
Bright colors
fade
to black and blue
as my heart
yearns for You.
Stuck
here, alone
I fear
while the
weight mounts
and the
pain grows
won't You draw
me near?
The silence
is thick
while the
words sit
and the paper
balances
while the
pen chooses
not to fit.
Thoughts lingered
now force
a scream
as you push
and pull
to get me
to quit.
Layers in
the light
hide what
shines bright
as I fight
to crawl
to get back
to You.

Follow Empty Minds

empty wallets
follow
broken pockets
empty
hands reaching
minds
people teaching
love
empty hallways
listen
swallowed words
lost
beneath surfaces
fade
ugly scars
admire 
beautiful faces
hide
mocking laughter
fills
hollow souls
meeting
false desire
lies
disguised words
meet
eager ears
control
hurt hearts.

Places Left

sometimes
there's no
rhyme
just rhythm
and flow
and so many
places to go
this in my head
i hear a beat
this itch in
my fingers brings
me to my seat
hit the paper
like your feet
hit the pavement
you're so far gone
and these words
I love for
you to savor
like the taste
on your lips
or the sting
of the
whips
as words draw
blood
your cuts run deep
like cheap memories
that keep on
playing
insist on staying
in your mind
is the beat
of my rhyme
and glow
and so many
places left
yet to go
let these words
flow through me
until
they've reached
the top
they overfill
your mind
you rewind
to search and
find
greater meaning
looking to those
on whom
you're leaning against
this reasoning
like a wall
that holds you
up
but can't catch
you when you
fall
and hit the
ground running
mind spinning
heart beating
with rhyme
and rhythm
and flow
and so many
places left
yet to go.

consuming
confusing
always reusing
never losing
reducing
infusing
while i'm
burning and
yearning
always learning
and turning
never quite
earning
just mixing
and stirring
while i'm
hurrying
scurrying
through life
filled with
strife
and things
not
quite
right
except Your
light
remains bright
in sight
never fear
always near
You hold
me
here.

The Magic Door.

It creaks.
It groans.
Worn with
Time and love.
It hangs
There. Neither
Open or shut.
Balancing in
The air.
Begging for
Someone to
Set their
Foor inside.
Take off
On a magical
Ride. Where
The sun shines
And the wind
Whispers
“won’t you be mine..”
Too late to
Look back
The door is
Gone. Wild and
Free you start
To run. Joy
Fills the air
As your laughter
Meets my ear.
Eyes are begging
Wishing.
Pleading.
Stay on this
Ride. Keep my
Heart
Beating.
Further we
Run before
Time beats
Us. Sun
Grows dim
As the
Darkness
Meets us. No
Waning given
The door is
Slammed.
The magic ends.
The handle I
Jiggle. The
Door I pound.
Locked forever.
The key cannot
Be found. The
Stars they come.
The moon is
Bright but these
Tears bring rain
To this chilly
Night. Curled on
The doorstep
My head shall
Lay. Waiting for
My magic door
To open once
More.

Shells

Pocket full of shells.

That Sally didn't

sell me.

Pocket full of shells

I found on a

different type of

seashore.

I walked your shore

feet stuck in the sand.

Not sure what I was

looking for to meet your

demand. Picked up

your broken shells

put them in my

pocket. they sit in

my fingers. All your

broken shells

they sit in my jar.

Never very far. All

the broken shells

together form a beauty.

Sally could never sell

me these shells of

you. The jagged

seashore I'd walk once

more to find

your beauty and

keep your shells in my

 jar.

Walls.

The grayness gets stirred
mixing to perfection
all these thoughts
turn to deflection.

It's poured. It sets.
Quickly drying
a force it becomes
as the frame falls away.

Four walls left standing
in the middle of this place.
People wander around.
No one guards this place.

Rocks are thrown.
Graffiti marks the walls.
Chunks fall away.
But these sturdy walls remain.

For years the crowd stays
surrounding all four sides
never knowing what
was on the inside.

All the while the observer
saw these things take place.
Turning away in shame and pain
she hid her solemn face.

For years she watched
the crowd never left.
From her view she watched
the walls grow higher.

She wasn't much of a climber
but she knew what lay inside
those walls. Fighting through
the crowd she made her way up.

Once inside the sight was a wreck.
She cleaned the site with all her might
and slowly tore down each graffiti-ed
wall.

Empty Lungs

Every minute is that of an hour

That the air is gone from my lungs.

Mustered heaves only push to half full,

Just enough for one short breath

Before all my energy and all my body

Musters once more.

Shoulders rise and shoulders fall

While my body remains handicap.

My chest burns while my lungs scream

And beg for air.

Just for one deep breath

They plead with no other care.

I struggle with all my might

Put up my strongest fight

While lungs remain empty

All throughout the night.

Lord stop all this

chatter.

Take away all that doesn't

matter.

Take and lead my

heart.

Push me. Pull me. 

Let the rest fall

apart.

always with you.

quickly, she steals away, into the night.
footsteps light.
your voice to hear. your hug to feel.
needed to heal.


down the dark hall, your face in my grasp.
freedom at last.
voices are a whisper in these stolen moments.
golden moments.


my eyes never fall away from you.
beauty true.
your arms around me...i'm not alone.
finally home.


not wanting to push our luck, i creep to the door.
missing you more.
the moon is high as my heart.
hate to be apart.


stolen moments keep me going.
love flowing.
always fast. always true. my heart
always with you.

Time Is Gone.

time. 

is gone.

like dust from

my tracks.

like sand through

my fingers.

like darkness in

the cracks.

like shadows that

still linger.

writers block

as the clock

ticks

tocks

to a miserable

countdown.

poor ending to this

chapter.

no one ever lives

happily ever after.

so much on the

inside.

yelling, fighting myself to

hide.

keeping words locked

away.

live to see another

day.

all day long

locked in this hole.

its growing dark.

i'm feeling cold.

i wanted to be around

for your last hours

spent in this town.

alone i lay and watch

the sun go down.

this day so far from

what i planned.

promised i'd be the

strong one...

this day just wasn't

what i counted on.

all the wrong emotions

flowing in my heart.

stirring like the ocean.

jealousy rages

while i fight its stages.

best friend is

my title. but i'm

the only one not

having you at the end.

misconstrued i know.

to stoop so low.

these are my honest

feelings. i let show.

anger. rejection.

pride. hurt.

emotions begging

to come out.

*sigh*

swallow hard

promise is

a promise.

told you the

strong one i

would be.

time

is not gone.

time is ahead.

past is gone.